


You’ve got to be kitten me!

by Niullum



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Catwoman Has a Sidekick | Catlad | Stray (DCU), Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Identity Issues, Identity Reveal, Self-Indulgent, Tim Drake is Catlad | Stray, aunt harley quinn, no beta we die like robins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niullum/pseuds/Niullum
Summary: “I think we should talk about your abandonment issues, and how they prevent you from forming meaningful connections, hon,” Harley stated, taking a pen from her black and white polka dot blouse and clicking it against the clipboard she had in her left hand.All while ignoring how Tim,—tied up and with five layers of rope—was hanging upside down from the ceiling.ORTim's relationships with Kon could probably come to and end. Too bad that news travel fast in the vigilante world, and his family is ready to help.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 5
Kudos: 191





	You’ve got to be kitten me!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Another fic brought to you thanks to my ✨ writing zoomies✨. Letting you know from the start that this isn't a serious story and it is un beta. Had lots of fun writing it :) so enjoy! :D
> 
> Inspired by [this prompt](https://prompts-in-a-barrel.tumblr.com/post/639875958492610561/i-think-we-should-talk-about-your-abandonment). All credit goes to them! <3 <3

Unlike what the rest of the world tends to think, anti-hero are not that bright. Like sure, maybe they're your typical evil scientist who will destroy the world and __bla bla bla__. Insert here whatever “evil” plan they have. But they do fuck up, every once in a while.

And when they do, __oh boy,__ must you buckle up your seatbelt because it snowballs into one gigantic and enormous drama. So much Batman has deposit aside for the therapy session that will follow afterwards.

In Tim’s case, well...Tim would probably blame his only and resting half functioning and senescent brain cell who decided, out of freaking fucking __nowhere__ , to implode the moment Kon asked him to go to his Ma’s house this saturday.

It was the only explanation that he could come up with at this moment. To which okay, to be completely fair, being in his soon-to-be-stepfather house while his pseudo mother was gone on her pre-honey moon could also be another factor that could weigh on the ‘ _ _Tim fucked so bad up his finger found no better alternative to blow up Kon’s secret identity by typing his name in their personal chat__ ’ equation during an argument.

An identity Tim should __technically__ not know.

* * *

Tim shut his eyes and counted to ten to help him calm down. He probably must have heard it from one of those self-help podcasts Dick tended to play Spotify, but sadly it did not. Because the truth was he'd screwed up. He'd messed up so badly that not even his precarious self copism mechanism would help him this time.

It wasn’t even a small mistake, the one that could be solved with a simple apology and take-out.

No, this felt so massive and disproportionately huge to the fifteen-year-old teenager world it felt like his heart was about to burst in any given second.

Because there, right in front of his eyes laid the inevitable truth of his actions. How he, Tim Drake-Kyle, had forgotten not only to tell Kon about Selina's wedding but also because he typed Kon’s name.

A name that he technically should not know under any circumstances.

 _ _Stupid,__ the teen thought while bringing the phone closer to his chest. He wanted to bang his head against a wall for his sheer stupidity. __Stupid, stupid, stupid.__ Out of all the possible things…

Type, delete, type again, delete, __delete__ , delete.

Stop.

__[5: 12 p.m] You there?_ _

Tim waited for a reply, but it didn’t come. His eyes were glued to the phone’s screen. More specifically the three dots that appeared below. The universal signal that meant the other party was typing, and _ _oh god he’d fucked up, hadn’t he?__ Tim groaned as every second that passed was only making him more nervous, almost wanting to vomit and why couldn’t Kon type a bit faster?

Why was it taking so long?

Dread formed in his belly. He scrolled up to see the previous message. Oh god, was that a __dot__? Had Kon included a dot in his reply? There was a __freaking__ dot, people only include dot when they’re pissed off-

His phone pinged and he scrambled to get it. It wasn’t even Kon, but a notification of Stephanie’s on Instagram.

He threw the phone far away, not caring about the __thump__ sound that followed once it hit the wall, grabbed the nearest pillow, and screamed.

* * *

“Did Alfred send you?” Tim asked, eyes not leaving the ceiling when the door finally opened hours later.

From the corner of his eyes, he distinguished a familiar figure.

“Or was it Dick?” He continued, uninterest. They were, after all, the ones in charge of the house until Selina and Bruce came back from whatever pre-honey moon they were in.

“No,” the voice of his soon to be step brother replied. “I came because I wanted to. Part of older brother duties, that’s all. You didn’t…” he trailed off, eyes averting to the rest of his new room which was completely messy. There were clothes on the floor. ”You didn’t come for dinner and everyone was worried.”

“Wasn’t hungry,” Tim murmured, eyes going distant. “Tell Alf’ I’m sorry. Currently going through a life identity crisis.”

"There are some leftovers in the refrigerator if you want. Are you okay?” Jason asked, taking a seat next to him. “Not that I’m worried but you’ve been….” he trailed off as he squinted to the speaker.

Tim sighed.

“It’s part of my I’m-a-grungy-teenager kind of phase,” He explained, turning to the side. Much to his disappointment Jason didn't leave him alone. “Talk to me when my acné is over.”

“You sure? You’ve been all day in that position-” Tim let out an exasperated moan and covered his head with a pillow, to no avail. Why did Selina, out of all the possible bachelors in Gotham, __have__ to choose the vigilante that had his ten thousand armies of mini __detectives__ at his side _ _?__

 _ _What happened?__ he thought. __Why Selina, why?__

Jason kindly snatched the pillow out of his face.

“You good there?”

“Yeah, pillows make the blood flow better,” Tim deadpanned, rolled his eyes and finally turned around to face him. “Are you going to continue asking twenty questions or is this interrogation over?”

“Jeez,” Jay huffed, passing a hand through his hair. “B wasn’t kidding over your sharp tongue, huh?”

Tim pointed at himself.

“Trained by the best,” he said. He wasn’t lying in that. Stray couldn’t be soft, no matter what. When Tim felt Jay wasn’t going to move a millimeter, he added halfway exasperated, throwing his hands up “Look, I’m __fine__...I think my current relationship is probably going to end by my own stupidity but it will be alright.”

“Oh man, that’s __claw-ful__ and, __ow__! Why did you hit me?”

“No puns off duty. Rule #9,” Tim said, rolling his eyes at the __stupid__ rule his __stupid__ pseudo brother had __stupidly__ implemented because of that one (1) time he chased Damian with his bo staff after a certain pun.

Cowards, all of them.

“Anyways that’s the tea, now shoo. Go solve a case, visit the bermuda triangle or whatever you birdies do off duty.”

“Hey,” Jason said, his eyes softening. When he touched his shoulder, Tim didn’t slap it away. “I was serious earlier. I’m sorry about your relationship. That always sucks.”

“Don’t be,” Tim said, softly losing all the snark and bravado. He sighed. He wished he could be a heartless person but Jason was only trying to be nice. “It was bound to happen. I...I blurt out his identity without thinking.“

“Oh.” a pause after he added in sympathy, “Let me guess. Secret identity?”

He nodded his head, defeated.

“And he doesn’t know mine,” Tim moaned out, as Jason gave a long ‘oh’. __And I don’t know how he’ll react when he finds out who I am__ went unsaid _ _.__ Perhaps __once__ Tim had thought...of letting him know who he was, but that had been before Selina began dating Bruce. Life had been significantly easier back then; he could go whenever he wanted to whatever place without worrying about being followed.

Now? He’d been trusted into the spotlight with no backing down. There was no way he could walk three steps without getting attacked by paparazzi or the media. Would...Kon accept him after knowing who he was? Would he be willing to be with someone who could potentially endanger his identity.

“He stopped responding to my messages.”

“He’s probably spooked. Maybe he’ll…message you...back?”

“I doubt it,” he sighed. “Just...don’t tell Selina okay? She’s got enough with the wedding and Bruce,” he swallowed but it felt like swallowing shards of glass. So many things had changed over the last couple of months it felt like he didn’t even know what was his life anymore.

The last semblance of his __before__ life was… well over.

“Do you want Dick to talk?” Jason offered, “He’s pretty good with the relationship advice-”

“ _ _No,__ ” Tim hissed out, covering Jason’s mouth with his hand. “No adults, you hear me? Promise me you won’t tell anyone. At least after the wedding is over and __oh my god__ , did you lick my hand? _ _-__ ”

Jay snickered, as Tim huffed and began to talk about bacteria in saliva and __blablabla__ \- “My lips are sealed.”

* * *

The next day Tim sneaked out to his __other__ apartment in the afternoon. The one he had with Selina, near the East End of the city. It was very different than Bruce’s house; roughly decorated—minimalist, Selina always said—and with a few “borrowed” paintings hanging on the walls like the __Femme au Chien__ as trophies but it’s __theirs__.

Sure the bedroom was a bit dusty and there was this strange stale air that made his nose itch but unlike the other place, it felt like... _ _home__. He spent the afternoon watching through the living door window, the traffic, the evening sky, and the passengers passing by.

All while ignoring the text sent by Kon this morning.

__[3:42 PM] We need to talk_ _

He got a call from Selina, later that day, disrupting him from his small depression episode that was basically drinking milk from the cartoon because he can’t drink __yet__ and watching a TV show.

 _ _“Enough mopping or should I call later?”__ It startled him. enough that Tim immediately started coughing when the milk went through the wrong pipe.

“Selina,” He croaked out. He placed the cartoon milk on the nearest surface and wished life didn’t hate him so much. “How-?”

A chuckle.

 _ _“A stray never tells her secrets, kitten,”__ He rested his head against the wall. Typical Selina.

 _ _“Need backup?”__ Selina said after a while. __“I could probably take a trip and be there in some hours.”__

“I can defend my honor just fine, no need for you or Aunt Ivy or Harley to get involved,” he said with a disbelieved huff. “How’s Bruce, by the way? I saw the pictures you shared. Is that __Mexico?__ ”

__“Peru, and don’t think you can get away changing the topic-”_ _

“Nope! See you this Saturday, love you!” he said and ended the call. The last thing he needed right now was to talk about feelings.

Just, no.

He and feelings were allergic.

* * *

Tim __did__ not expect to be awakened in the middle of the night.

And definitely did not expect to be __captured__.

* * *

__How is this my life?__ Tim thought wanting the earth to swallow him whole. He was going to __kill__ Selina after this.

And Jason.

And Bruce.

That was if he __even__ survived this in the first place-

“I think we should talk about your abandonment issues, and how they prevent you from forming meaningful connections, hon,” Harley stated, taking a pen from her black and white polka dot blouse and clicking it against the clipboard she had in her left hand.

All while ignoring how his __nephew,__ Tim,—tied up and with five layers of rope—was hanging upside down from the ceiling of an abandoned warehouse. For quite some time if Tim may add. The windows were broken and there was this faint smell of chemicals that gave him a hint it was probably an ex-laboratory or something.

He was definitely going to gossip about this with Aunt Ivy, later..

“Focus,” she said and snapped her fingers, bringing him back to reality. She glanced at the clipboard, more specifically the photo attached to it (and where the hell did Harley get a hold of his high school picture that Selina __double swore__ she would not share? Ugh, the _**_**traitor)**_**_ and sighed.

Her other hand proceeded to push Tim, making him swing back and forward.

“You’re a people pleaser. You overthink every detail in your relationships to the point of self-destruction,” Harley continued, while she ticked information off on her fingers. “Changes frighten you so your initial reaction is to run away because you fear rejection. Got anything else to say?”

More muffled sounds.

“Oh I forgot to take the gag off, didn’t I? Oops! My bad. Give me a second,” She said, ripping off the duck-tape around his mouth like a bandaid, ignoring the yelp that followed. “There-”

“Aunt __Harley__ ,'' Tim sputtered, his eyes widening like sausages as his brain short-circuited. __Is this a joke?__ He thought and glanced around, looking to see if there was a hidden camera like one of those pranked videos Jay liked so much.

There was none.

He licked his lips and spoke, his voice with that slightly panicked voice, “did you __seriously__ kidnap me to a therapy session?”

Harley tutted and shook her head, almost fondly as if she was dealing with another wild patient and not his nephew that she literally-just-kidnapped.

“Buttercup, I have a Ph.D. in psychology, and frankly sweetie? You’re a mess,” she said, patting his head. Or well, whatever part of his head wasn’t covered by rope. “Be grateful I'm not charging you. Now, about your childhood...”

Tim groaned and bared himself for the worst.

* * *

Despite how much Tim wanted to ignore it, Harley’s words still rang in his head. Which absolutely sucked because there he was moping around at three in the morning, after another successful thievery session.

Kind of hard to enjoy stealing when you have the word __cognitive behavioral therapy__ and __psychodynamic therapy__ floating around your mind. With a pout, Tim took out the small bounty he’d collected during the night and held them in his hand.

He was about to take a closer look at a necklace when he heard something in the air.

“Superboy,” he called from the rooftop, his left hand going for his whip. He tipped his head upwards and found a shadow looming over him. The corner of his lips curled up in a shy smile, “though Metas weren’t allowed to roam free in Gotham?”

“I sometimes make an exception,” the other said with a grin, that as always, made his heart skip a beat. The blush didn’t take that long to appear. Tim broke off eye contact in his effort to hide the blush.

Damn superheroes with their stupid damn looks and their stupid damn curls and their-

Yeah?” He said, his heart thumping way too fast for his liking. He bit his lower lip and leaned forward.

“I thought something happened to you,” he whispered, kissing him on his mask and pulling away before Tim could reciprocate.

“I can take care of myself just fine, big boy,” he purred, hands grabbing Kon’s leather jacket and __pulled__. “Don’t let the big bad bat hear you or else he’ll think I converted you to the dark side.”

“I can take him,” Kon said with a wink that made Tim chuckle. “Mind if I sit?”

Tim patted the spot next to him.

“Sure, big boy,” The next word died on his tongue when he saw Kon getting near him. A hand cradled his face and tipped the chin forward. Tim ignored the butterflies in his stomach as their faces got nearer. __Get it together__ , his mind hissed.

“Paying Rob a visit?”

Kon shook his head.

“Came to talk with a stray who hasn’t been answering their phone,” he continued. “Can I ask why you’ve been avoiding me?”

__Not a question but a statement._ _

“Had a lot going on. Don’t take it personally,” he said. Yeah, what a way to put being __captured-by-my-non-official-aunt-for-a-therapy-session,__ Tim _ _.__ Totally smooth. He counted till three, took a deep breath, and faced him. Might as well put some of Aunt Harley’s advice with him. __Open communication and all that jazz__. “Here just let me-”

“Stray?” Kon asked, confused as Tim began to unclasp the straps of his mask and pulled it away.

“Hi, I’m Timothy Drake," he said, ignoring the furious blush on his face,"I blurt out your name because this weekend my pseudo mother is getting married on Saturday and my brain cell has yet to return from war so... to make it up would you...would you like to be my plus one?”

A hand sneaked out to his waist and brought him closer.

“Is that a yes?” Tim asked shakily as their faces got closer, not breaking eye contact. Kon’s eyes gleamed.

 _ _“__ Oh, that’s __purrfect__. _ _”__

Tim rolled his eyes.

“Ha, ha. Very funny. Now go kiss me, you __dork__ -”

* * *

“Jason Peter Todd,” a voice shouted from the other side of the building. Jason glanced up, his two hands to see his (soon to be) stepbrother speed marching towards him, with clear anger on his eyes.

Jason put both of his hands up.

“Hey Tim, __ow!__ -”

Tim felt no remorse whatsoever in punching him in the shoulder.

“You are the worst stepbrother in all history of all stepbrothers,” Tim hissed out, pointing at him with his index finger as threateningly as possible. He punched him in the same spot, __again__. “You, _ _traitor.__ ”

Jay winced.

“Tim,” he started slowly as if he was treating a dangerous animal. Tim’s eyes gleam with ire. ”I swear by Titus that I did not tell anyone-”

“ _ _Jason__ ,” Tim cut him off and punched him again. “I had a forty-five minute session therapy session with Harley __freaking__ Quinn _ _,”__ a shudder went past him at the reminder. There was no way he was going this wasn’t going to haunt him in the next five billion decades.

“To talk about my ‘ _ _abandonment issues’,”__ Tim said, quoting with his finger, “because somehow Selina got a hand up of my thing with __Kon__ that I told absolutely no one except __you.__ ”

Tim took out his whip and pointed at his throat with his finger.

“Thank god my relationship isn’t over or else you’re gone,” the ‘no killing your stepbrother’ rule be damned. “You have five minutes before I chase you and kick your ass _ _.”__

Jason gulped.

**Author's Note:**

> To all of those who were wandering it was Damian who snitched xD Kudos/comment/bookmarks are welcome and appreciated! I may soon post my comfort & hurt series so stay tune! :3
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Hope you have a good day! <3


End file.
